Pushing Through The Dark

This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a few weeks now. Unedited and unfinished. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to post it or really if I'm being honest, if I was going to post anything ever again.

I started 2017 on such a high note. I was loving the content I was putting out on this blog, everything in my day to day life was ticking over nicely and I was making plans for a fab year.

Then I made some decisions which I thought would be good in the long run which actually ended up kicking me in the teeth and then some bad things happened that sent me spiralling. I know I'm being vague as hell but it's stuff I'm not ready to talk about yet. Just know, it was a real sucker punch to the gut.

This was about mid-January I think and within a couple of weeks 2017 had gone from being full of promise and hope to a gaping black hole of my failures and fears.

I remember crying to my Mum at the time "This is breaking me. I don't want to be broken again."

Now that I've come through it, I've realised that it didn't break me because I'm already broken. I've been a bunch of broken pieces for a long time being held together by happy moments, good people and force of will.

Sometimes I feel more broken than usual, the most recent episode being a glaring example, but I need to remember that there's always a tomorrow when I feel like that. No matter how many times I cry myself to sleep or the days where I can't get out of bed because the weight of everything is holding me down, there's always something on the other side of it.

That's what this post is, I guess. A note to myself to remember that I always push myself through the dark.

It's also an apology to anyone, in real life or online, that I let down when I was in my little black hole. I cancelled plans, wasn't where I was supposed to be, didn't reply to messages, there's two giveaway prizes sitting on my desk that I still haven't posted out, the list goes on.

I'm feeling much better, mentally and physically, and I'm trying to get back to where I was at the start of the year. I have lots of things to be positive about. I've got myself in a little self care routine that is helping so much I can't tell you and I've planned lots of little trips away with my friends so I have things to look forward to. And in the past few days I've started writing down ideas for new blog posts, which I haven't felt like doing in ages so that makes me happy.

Onwards and upwards...


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