2018: The Year of Change.

I've spent a lot of my life being fixated on 'where I'm going.'

As long as I can remember I've been focused on an end goal. When I left school, it was how I could get to university. I was obsessed with going to university. I saw it as the be all and end goal of my life. If I got a traditional education, if I got onto that coveted path of learning, all my life's problems would magically disappear. 

Surprisingly, they didn't. I went to university and I struggled a lot and my life fixing goal collapsed around my ears. 

The fixation I had on being happy drained me. It mentally and physically drained me. I didn't live in the moment and I didn't appreciate what I had. I've had a lot of amazing moments and memories over the last few years but they were blighted by the fact I was always looking for more.

Fast forward a few years and I'm finally getting out of that fixation. It's taken me a bloody long time to get to a place where I am grateful for the things I have and the person that I am. 

I don't let my shortcomings define me as much as they used to. I don't beat myself up when I have a bad mental health day/week. I don't spend my time fixating on the perfect person that I would be if I only had/did xyz.

The last month of 2017 was extremely eye-opening for me. 2017 was a really hard year and I'd convinced myself that nothing good had happened. It was only when I sat down and looked back through photos of that year that I realised a lot of great things happened, I was just blinded to them by the murkiness in my own head. 

It was like a switch had flipped. It wasn't instantaneous as the description suggests but something changed in me gradually. I was done being my own worst enemy, I was tired of a few bad head days dictating my life and I was determined that 2018 would be different.

Firstly I wasn't going to make a million resolutions that I would inevitably not be able to keep and make myself feel bad over. 

I just had one goal for 2018: Change. 

I wanted things to change. Not massive, life-altering change but small changes that would impact positively in time. 

And I did. It's cliche as hell but small changes lead to big steps. I haven't made any big steps yet but I see them as real possibilities now, not just unattainable daydreams of a better life. 

I'm saving, I'm paying off debts, I'm making progress in learning to drive, I'm gaining more confidence in doing makeup, I'm more confident in who I am and how I look, I'm doing many small things that are making me happier. 

Now it's not all plain sailing, I still have bad days that sometimes turn into bad weeks but I find that I'm better at getting myself out of the black hole of despair. 

It's April and this is the first blog post I've put up that isn't a book review. I decided that I wouldn't force things like blog posts and Instagram posts unless I wanted to do them. And I woke up feeling like I wanted to write a blog post today so here we are!

It's no secret that I largely neglect my blog and Instagram 95% of the time. I love writing and producing content but doing it on the regular is something that I've never managed to master. I post religiously on Instagram for a few days then weeks will pass with nothing. Ditto with this blog.

Getting out of this cycle is a change that I'm definitely going to try and implement BUT I don't want to force it. I force myself to plan lots of content then I beat myself up when I don't do it. So I want to keep it really un-pressured. Like I said above, if I wanna blog then I'll blog! If not, then I won't!

However I am bursting with ideas with things I want to do and content I want to post in the next eight months. Feeling happier in myself, has made me feel so much more productive and confident. And I think what I've been lacking previously is confidence. I never felt overly confident when posting content. There was always this little voice at the back of my head whispering barbs of doubt and feeding into the feeling that I wasn't good enough. Now that voice gets shouted down a lot more by a louder, more confident klaxon! Sometimes it wins but not as much as it used to!

I'm not going to list all my goals for the rest of the year. They're just for me. But I will tell you, that I'm planning a redesign of the blog and a refocus on what type of content I want to write for you all, which won't be a dramatic change from what I sporadically post now but just zeroing in more on posts that I'm really passionate about!

I genuinely feel so happy and bouncy while writing this post. I feel so good about life and what the rest of the year will bring. But mostly I feel good because life is good right now and I can appreciate that it's good.

It's funny what a little living in the moment and a bit of positive thinking can do for you!



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