Life Update: I'm Not Okay But I'm Getting There

Well.

This is a bit overdue, amirite?

This post was originally veerrrry different. It was a triumphant proclamation about my long-awaited return to blogging and about all the exciting changes happening in my life. I reread it, realised it was utter bullshit and hit the delete button. Then I sat down to type this out.

So grab a cuppa, a good supply of biscuits and let's get started.



THE RELAUNCH THAT NEVER WAS

The scene was set, the hype sufficiently teased on social media and the posts were scheduled.

Everything was all go, for a truly wonderful, all singing and dancing blog relaunch.

Everything except me.

I was super excited for the relaunch, those stories where I was buzzing with excitement weren't just me being a complete melt, I really was looking forward to it.

The day I'd scheduled for the posts to go live happened to fall on the same day that I'd agreed to do some makeup freelance at a local event so, in my head, I pushed the relaunch by one day.

No big deal, right? I'd just jump on stories the next morning to explain everything, set the posts live and everything would be ace!

Not ace. Not even close. The next day I could barely get out of bed. No blog relaunch for me.

HELLO DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND

The last month or so, bar a few days here and there, has been a complete anxiety-ridden blur with the week of the ill-fated relaunch being the worst part.

If I'm being fully transparent, I feel like I lost myself this year.

Last September, just over a year ago, I landed my dream job. The actual job of my dreams. It was everything to me. I threw my entire self into that job,  a good part of my identity became wrapped up in that job and how well I was doing it.

Then earlier this year, things changed and the dream job was no more.

Not in a bad way! Things change, the world moves on, companies change and grow etc. It's just how it is.
And I wasn't in a bad position at all. I had the opportunity to go for another job, a better job, a job that would help advance my career.

(Feel free to start a drinking game around how many times I've used the word job ffs)

Fast-forward to now and I've left the shiny new job.
I left at the end of September and to say making that decision screwed with my head, is a vast understatement.
It was a fantastic job, in a really brilliant company with good co-workers, a great work environment and a shitload of career-advancing opportunities. The job wasn't the problem, I was.

I built the "dream job" to be something all-encompassing and life-affirming that no other job could possibly live up to it.
It was a pretty fantastic job but at the end of the day, it was just a job. Not a magical sticky plaster that would fix every single problem in my life.

It's taken a long time for me to realise quite how much of my self-identity I'd poured into it and me to realise how truly lost I was when the job ceased to be.

I threw myself into the new job with gusto, convincing myself and others that I was okay.

Spoiler alert: I really wasn't.

My mental health caught up with me as it always does and I burnt myself out. To an absolute crisp. I was so burnt out that I didn't even realise it until I physically couldn't get out of bed. That's when I realised, I had to make a change.

CH-CH-CHANGES

I made the decision to leave my job, to take some time to realise what I wanted and what I needed to do to heal myself.

However, being me, I can't sit idle. I have to be moving forward, I don't let the grass grow because if I do then I'm failing and failure isn't an option.

Straight after handing in my resignation I dove into a new project.

The same pattern emerged. Threw myself in 1000%, gave absolutely everything to it and ended up burning out. A tale as old as time and twice as tedious. A few weeks after leaving my job and in the midst of all my relaunch plans, I crashed and burned once again.

That brings us to now. I'm finally in a place where I can see my destructive patterns emerging and I'm actively making decisions to take care of myself instead of going full steam ahead.

I'm actively taking care of myself. It bodes a repetition because I haven't done in a really bloody long time.
I'm not okay by any means but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

The project I was working on is still ongoing (more about that at a later date 😉) but I'm taking it slow and being kind to myself.
Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.

It also brings us back to this blog which I am relaunching! Huzzah!

It's just not going to be all singing and all dancing like I planned.

This is it basically, I'm sticking my head above the parapet to say hello, explain what the hell I've been and what you can expect in the future. There's also a fantastically cute new header featuring an adorable illustration of me by the babe that is Jemma from Dorkface.

THE REST OF 2019 AND BEYOND

Despite my life-defining breakdown, I was actually super excited to relaunch my blog and for all the new content I had planned.

I took an ~official hiatus from blogging around May time because I couldn't juggle everything and not blogging when I should be was stressing me the hell out. So I pressed pause on the blog. No blog posts, no blogger events, no curated content on Instagram, nada!

And I missed it. I really missed it. I forgot what a buzz I get from writing about my favourite things, from talking about blogging and from going to blogging events with other bloggers. I forgot why I fell in love with it in the first place. It's my hobby and in my aforementioned new trend of actual self-care I'm making time for things that bring me joy.

Oh and joy you shall have!

Primarily my content is going to revolve around beauty with some Disney and lifestyle thrown in. There will also be Northern Irish related posts like events and product launches etc. Additionally, every so often I'm gonna throw a book review at you because those are some of my most ridiculously viewed posts. So you all have that to look forward to, you lucky ducks.


I hope this wasn't too hard to follow along with. I really wrote it as a catharsis for myself, partly inspired by this post from the wonderful Vix Meldrew on sharing the struggles, so it's a bit rambly and wordy. I promise that all future posts will be slightly more structured. Just slightly 😉


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